Richard writes...

“My Laddie went to sleep this morning and I miss him so badly. I can remember so clearly the first time I held him in my hands and looked into his eyes. I can remember so clearly how much I loved him then and how much I love him now. I have never felt such a loss since the death of my elder brother. The most difficult thing in my life has happened. I have lost one of my true family. I have lost the son I knew I would always lose. I watched him fall asleep as I held his face.

Bernadette and I discussed, last night, the fact that Laddie was still ill from his pneumonia attack in January. We both knew that it was time for us to make the most important decision we would ever have to make for our beautiful son. It was a difficult thing to discuss and we shed many tears that night but we made a choice that we knew Laddie could not make.

At the beginning of Laddie's last day we went to White Sands and played on the beach for some time. My heart felt very heavy as I fought back tears and played with him on the sand. I couldn't believe in my heart that this was the last time we would ever do this, the last time we would ever play together on the beach - in this life. It seems strange to look back now, over 8 hours later, and think of how I behaved with Laddie. I do not think I really realised that this was the last time we would be together.

He was as happy as I have ever seen him before. He was barking, digging his holes and playing like he always did. He was having such a good time and enjoying the fine morning weather. It was a good day, with the sun shining brightly and a light breeze keeping us both cool as the tide gently rose towards us. I took photo after photo of my fine son as he played in the sand. He was blessed by not knowing that this was the last time we would be together here on earth.

His mum returned from changing baby Peter at home. She'd driven there after discovering he had a wet nappy. By this time I had been thinking about cancelling the days events and giving Laddie one more chance. He seemed to be so lively and so happy. I could not help but think that maybe, just maybe he would get over his most recent problems.

We drove home. It was almost 9am, time for the appointment we had said we would cancel during our discussion. We had decided to cancel the appointment and, instead, to ask the vet to come to our home in the evening so that Laddie, after one last day of pampering and fun, could fall asleep in our lounge where he would be comfortable. But as we drove home I kept thinking that maybe he could have one more chance. Maybe he could last a little longer. Maybe he would be ok. As if to reply to my thoughts, Laddie's breathing became ragged and harsh again. I was reminded of the reality of the situation. I was reminded that we'd talked the night before and that we'd made the decision.

The walk from the car to the vet was a blur. We parked in front of Fairbairns furniture shop and I carried Peter as Bernadette walked our beautiful Laddie to the vet. He was energetic and keen to keep up with me as I walked ahead of them both. We waited outside the vet for five or ten minutes and then she arrived. We didn't weigh Laddie and we were not asked to weigh him, as if the vet and her assistant already knew what we had come for. When we went into the little room I blurted our intentions out crudely. I couldn't do it any other way. I had to say that we'd come to put Laddie to sleep before I convinced myself that he had another chance or another day left in him. And it was the hardest thing from then onwards. We were left alone with him for a few minutes as she went to fetch the injections. Neither of us could really grasp the fact that this was the very last time that we would see our beautiful and most excellent boy. I couldn't bear it when the vet shaved his paw. I couldn't bear Bernadette's tears. I couldn't bear my Laddie falling asleep and growing heavy in my wife's arms as I held his face and watched his eyes close.

It was a blur from then onwards. Time had stood still. My Laddie was lying on the floor in that little room he had visited so many times before. My Laddie was no more. The vet was crying. Her assistant looked shattered. Bernadette and I were left with Laddie's collar and lead and a hundred thousand memories.

I did not realise that losing Laddie would be so difficult and I feel such an emptiness in my heart. It is the worst pain I have felt. Greater even than the loss of my brother over 20 years ago. Laddie was my son. I picked him myself and when I held him in my hands for the first time to look into my eyes he became my baby boy. For 7 years Bernadette and I have looked after every aspect of his life. We have tried to make his existence as perfect as it could be. Saying goodbye to him was almost impossible. I could not have done it if I had not been able to detach myself from the moment. From the terrible time when it is happening and the life of my beautiful boy is to be extinguished in front of my eyes. And when his eyes started to close I felt a pain I have never felt before and did not know that I could experience or endure.

Shortly afterwards, when he was at peace, I had a great sense of relief at the things he no longer had to suffer. I was glad that he did not have to suffer anymore and that his last morning had been a perfect one. We could not have wished for a better morning. And I was glad that we'd both had the courage to follow through our terrible business of the day. I was thankful that God had given me the strength to say goodbye to the best friend I ever had.

It is sad to think that we will meet people who will ask after him and we will have to tell them he is gone. That they will tell us they are sorry and they may even be sorry. It is sad to think they will never be able to understand how we feel about our beautiful Laddie. There are some who will understands what losing Laddie means to us, but they are few.

We are going to celebrate his life and to grieve for some time as we miss him. We hope he will come back, in some way, to show us he is ok. His mother misses him so much I feel I will fall apart from the pain when I try to console her. And his daddy cannot express how he feels. But I am naked without him. He was my right hand man, my confidence and my greatest friend.”